PRIESTLY PROSTATIC PRESCRIPTION

PORT WHITMAN January 4, 2011 - At the request of Msgr. Salvatore Mantuan of the St. Abdul Roman Catholic church, Bishop David H. Gray, who heads the Port Whitman Diocese, will carry a special supplication to the Papal Council on his annual pilgramage to the Vatican. The entreaty, couched in a formal letter with the official seal of the Diocese, will request that the catholic law against masturbation be eased slightly, to allow self-prostate massage. This will enable celibate priests to relieve the sex gland of built-up fluids as a result of sexual deprivation, and alleviate urinary-restricting Benign prostatic Hypertrophy (BPH) and other ailments frequently leading to deadly prostate cancer over a period of time. Recognizing that with priestly celibacy, common maladies peculiar to lack of sexual release are a real danger to the priesthood, and that normal masturbation usually requires a degree of morally degenerating fantasizing, the massage of the prostate gland, done through the anus, in a maneuver barely attainable by a male on himself, can empty the sensitive organ of fluids usually flowing out with normal sexual ejaculation, but without sexual orgasm. Thus, swelling, hardening, and later illnesses of the gland are forestalled, and later surgery can be alleviated, giving priests longer terms to be engaged in serving spiritual needs of Catholics.

One of the advantages of self-massage of the prostate is that of remaining trim, as it is necessary to somewhat contort one's body just to reach around, from a sitting position, and insert the middle finger, with the palm down, into the anus to reach the walnut-sized gland. In other words, fat priests need not apply for the dispensation, as it would be useless even to attempt the maneuver; they will thus be encouraged to lose weight, leading to longer lives of church service. In discussions of the move to send the request to Rome, it was at one point suggested that priests be permitted to perform the "finger-wave" maneuver on fellow priests so that overweight prelates be able to passively participate, but that was rejected on the grounds that it borders on forbidden sexuality, even if performed by higher-ranking Monsignors or Bishops. Rumor has it that the atmosphere of discussion became highly animated when this possibility was debated, with chubbier members of the local clergy coming close to demanding the therapy by fellow prelates. In the end however, it was rejected.

Since marriage for priests has been determined to be out of the question, it was concluded that some sort of therapeutic relief is necessary for urinary health; several options were considered, including masturbation without fantasizing, employing ice cubes or sandpaper, but alternate methods were determined to be completely out of the question. One member of the panel averred "What goes on in the mind of the self-gratifying priest could never be adequately monitored, and so is impossible to police."

When the contents of the letter to the pope was announced from the pulpit on a recent Sunday, objections were raised by the Order for Priestly Purity (OPP), an organization in St. Abdul Parish devoted to the ideal of priests as moral leaders. President of the OPP Miriam Cooney at one point threatened to picket the church with signs opposing the ordeal, but was finally pacified when it was argued that Monsignor Mantuan, a local favorite for many years, and a former Vietnam Veteran who became a Catholic in a battlefield conversion ultimately leading to his ordination to the priesthood, would be the main parish beneficiary of the exception to the rule. The Port Whitman Diocese will await the decision by the Vatican.

Special to
The Port Whitman Times
Henry Francisco