DADT INDEED!

So, does DADT Classic (Don't Ask Don't Tell) now morph into DADT Update (DO Ask DO Tell)? And does the old saw IGTOY (I'm gonna tell on you) suddenly become meaningless? Well, hardly. The same old prejudices still exist, just now they're out in the open. Result: HIOIG "Hooray, I'm out, I'm Gay" begets STYFF "Suck this, you fucking faggot!" The military service is a vast complicated world, with lots of people trying to prove or disprove things zeroing in on them from their civilian lives.

The new reg assumes that no one will care, but just look at the military types (think Ernest Borgnine or Burt Lancaster in "From Here To Eternity" - Lotta hard guys doing hard army time) and think how they'll react to HIOIG. Me? Frankly, I'd still keep my sexual preference a secret, not volunteering any information. My policy: NOYFB (None of your fucking business), because my sex life is MOA (My own affair). "Oh, but now it's different," you say. That may very well be, times and the rules have indeed changed, and odd as it might seem, there are GLBTQ men women who would still prefer to remain anonymous, even electing the battlefield instead of the safer office jobs they might land, just to prove that they have a mite of bravery despite their sexual preference. After all, sex isn't necessarily the defining characteristic of life, unless one lets it be so.

The whole situation seems like a live wire, dangerous to touch, even to get close to as its current could be transmitted through the very ground or water on which one finds one's self. Best to just avoid interest in the subject, thus DADT classic sort of remains the order of the day among the sensible. So DJTC, Don't jump to conclusions. Assumptions are dangerous. But then, in a military situation where troops' lives depend many times on interpersonal relationships, and those relationships are poisoned by sexual, often physical sensitivities, it's the difference between coming home in a uniform bristling with decorations or coming home in a body bag. War-oriented people aren't always the most finely tuned people, trained and required to make quick life-affecting decisions based on sometimes flimsy evidence, so it's not how you ARE, but how you SEEM that might influence the choice, and given that war is not exactly a game of parcheesi, it would behoove one in the service to seem to be that which would affect the decision favorably to one's own skin, no?

BTW, The reason for all this seems to be that that people still think that other people's sexual preferences are a reflection on their identities, their character as men or women in certain situations. But DJTC - to conclude such might be a mistake, though in the field of battle the way one reacts may indeed be a result of the way one is "oriented" - just have to wait and see, and that's the danger. In battle it would seem everyone's scared. One would think 'most everyone adjusts, if they're there, I suppose one just does what one has to, i.e., what's next, trying to avoid disaster while doing the job. When it's "kill or be killed" there isn't much choice, and sexual preference is secondary to life itself. And if what they say is true, one is born either gay or straight, well, you're still a target in a shooting war, but maybe from either side. There might be a difference in the shower, but the military isn't prison, one has the right to say "No." To say "I'm not of that persuasion, and I don't want to have sex with you."

Hmm, are you worried you might be tempted? Ay, there's the rub. So how about settling for DETAI, Don't even think about it. INOYB It's none of your business.

Special to
The Port Whitman Times
Henry Francisco

PRIESTLY PROSTATIC PRESCRIPTION

PORT WHITMAN January 4, 2011 - At the request of Msgr. Salvatore Mantuan of the St. Abdul Roman Catholic church, Bishop David H. Gray, who heads the Port Whitman Diocese, will carry a special supplication to the Papal Council on his annual pilgramage to the Vatican. The entreaty, couched in a formal letter with the official seal of the Diocese, will request that the catholic law against masturbation be eased slightly, to allow self-prostate massage. This will enable celibate priests to relieve the sex gland of built-up fluids as a result of sexual deprivation, and alleviate urinary-restricting Benign prostatic Hypertrophy (BPH) and other ailments frequently leading to deadly prostate cancer over a period of time. Recognizing that with priestly celibacy, common maladies peculiar to lack of sexual release are a real danger to the priesthood, and that normal masturbation usually requires a degree of morally degenerating fantasizing, the massage of the prostate gland, done through the anus, in a maneuver barely attainable by a male on himself, can empty the sensitive organ of fluids usually flowing out with normal sexual ejaculation, but without sexual orgasm. Thus, swelling, hardening, and later illnesses of the gland are forestalled, and later surgery can be alleviated, giving priests longer terms to be engaged in serving spiritual needs of Catholics.

One of the advantages of self-massage of the prostate is that of remaining trim, as it is necessary to somewhat contort one's body just to reach around, from a sitting position, and insert the middle finger, with the palm down, into the anus to reach the walnut-sized gland. In other words, fat priests need not apply for the dispensation, as it would be useless even to attempt the maneuver; they will thus be encouraged to lose weight, leading to longer lives of church service. In discussions of the move to send the request to Rome, it was at one point suggested that priests be permitted to perform the "finger-wave" maneuver on fellow priests so that overweight prelates be able to passively participate, but that was rejected on the grounds that it borders on forbidden sexuality, even if performed by higher-ranking Monsignors or Bishops. Rumor has it that the atmosphere of discussion became highly animated when this possibility was debated, with chubbier members of the local clergy coming close to demanding the therapy by fellow prelates. In the end however, it was rejected.

Since marriage for priests has been determined to be out of the question, it was concluded that some sort of therapeutic relief is necessary for urinary health; several options were considered, including masturbation without fantasizing, employing ice cubes or sandpaper, but alternate methods were determined to be completely out of the question. One member of the panel averred "What goes on in the mind of the self-gratifying priest could never be adequately monitored, and so is impossible to police."

When the contents of the letter to the pope was announced from the pulpit on a recent Sunday, objections were raised by the Order for Priestly Purity (OPP), an organization in St. Abdul Parish devoted to the ideal of priests as moral leaders. President of the OPP Miriam Cooney at one point threatened to picket the church with signs opposing the ordeal, but was finally pacified when it was argued that Monsignor Mantuan, a local favorite for many years, and a former Vietnam Veteran who became a Catholic in a battlefield conversion ultimately leading to his ordination to the priesthood, would be the main parish beneficiary of the exception to the rule. The Port Whitman Diocese will await the decision by the Vatican.

Special to
The Port Whitman Times
Henry Francisco