Dear Holy Father The Pope,

I know this might be a sudden request, but in these days of world turmoil, drastic measures might indeed be necessary. I would like to become a saint, a legitimate saint of the Church, with all the benefits of sainthood, designated by you in your official capacity as the Church's leader. I realize canonization is something that in the past has occurred after death and intense investigation, after a life of good works including in some cases martyrdom, but I am operating at a disadvantage here - First of all, I'm not poor nor an official member of the religious community. In fact I see myself as well off, and frankly I'm not really interested in giving up my rather comfortable life unless I can be given an ironclad blessed assurance, by someone of your high office, that I will be guaranteed a seat at the hand of The Lord, it doesn't matter which, left or right. In that case, with your assurance and blessing, I am prepared to do anything, absolutely ANYTHING, no exceptions, to secure my eternal happiness in Heaven.

The reason I am proposing this is I see now that other religions, which shall be nameless here though we both know who they are, are providing guarantees to individuals who go out and along with their own martyrdom relieve the world of non-believers merely by killing, bombing and other violent acts, and I wonder if you might consider the same path to salvation for some of your own followers, simply to keep up with modern methods. I would like to state at the outset that I would not ask for virgins or special food or worldly-type rewards of a sensory nature, only to spend my eternity in the presence of The Lord, and to hang out with the other saints already consecrated or so honored down through the centuries, with guarantees of the same benefits accorded to them in their afterlives, plus small perquisites here on earth, such as my own statue (modern dress please) and portrait in a suitable place for venerating, my own Holy Day somewhere in the liturgical calendar with a mention in the mass of that day, an official listing and bio in "The Lives Of The Saints," and a designation as the Patron Saint of something, might I suggest saint of "Final Solutions," and a memorial medal struck from a suitable mineral. But with all due respect I would leave the choice of patronage up to you and your staff.

I realize that given the Church's current approach to salvation and good works, I could be asking something that would be somewhat out of the ordinary right now today, but lately the competition for people's souls seems to be getting to be downright cutthroat - literally. In future years what I am proposing might well turn out to be a universally accepted path to sainthood, though now it would seem like overkill, but look around and you're bound to conclude that excess is the order of the day; surely as leader of your flock, you would not want the Church to lag behind in that regard. With that in mind, I would like volunteer to be the first in line to serve, and with your indulgence and consent, devote some small final act of my life, now nearly at an end anyway, to this cause, and in that way become
Your Humble Servant,

Henry Francisco, Special to

The Port Whitman Times

(You may use my full name in the rolls of sainthood, to differentiate me from other Saint Henry's that might conflict)
THE PORT WHITMAN TIMES